Cheryl Rice shares her journey, trying to figure out how to be in the world after her mother's death. Seemingly the mother-daughter bond superceded the author ever getting truly comfortable in her own skin. A classic good girl, eager to please, and sure than any failure or set-back is her fault. Even if you and your mom weren't that close, all women know that part of the story!
Rice is an elegant, witty writer, endearing as she shares her confusion, panic, and sense of inadequacy. She narrates, with compelling elegance , what it means to strip your psyche down and meet yourself as a unique being, not as the person your parents want - or need - you to be.
The deep grief she writes about is unfamiliar to me, and I found her vivid description of the physical and cognitive experience of this type of grief very informative. My own mother died 20 years ago, but was sick and out of it for 10 years longer. I left home at 17 for college and while my mother was loving and devoted, I bolted and she didn't know how to relate to adult children (I was her baby, with two older siblings.) Since her death I think of her, but since she hadn't really been there in my adult life, I don't actively miss her. Contrast that to the intimate real-time connection Rice enjoyed with her mother; ironically, it was crippling. Hard to get the right balance, isn't it?!
I myself have an adult daughter and I cherish our closeness. Sometimes I would like more of her attention or time, but when she is not available, I do congratulate myself on having raised an independent daughter. I rejoice that she has intimate friends with whom she is deeply bonded. One of them lost her mother at the end of college and was in a deep funk for nearly two years. My daughter reported that some days her bereaved friend could barely get out of bed, which my daughter seemed to think was entirely understandable given the loss.
At some point I mentioned to my daughter that when I die, I would feel I had failed her if she was so grief-stricken that she couldn't get up in the mornings. Not to judge her friend, but the job of a mother is to love deeply & be available, but also rejoice in your child's self-reliance, social network, and independence -- and not expect your daughter to meet your own need to be needed.
HEnce, I was particularly touched by the author's painful realization that her mother, beloved and delightful as she was, had not been able to do this for her daughter. fortunately she has been able to do it for herself - though getting to that point required enormous effort and much painful work. Bravo the author got to the other side! Readers - daughters AND mothers - enjoy Where Have I Been All My LIfe! It is deeply satisfying.
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Amazon Customer
Such a great and moving book
Reviewed in Canada on January 11, 2019